Four months out of a four and a half year relationship laced with more residue than my bathtub after a month of not being washed, I’ve identified the one thing (as if!) that went wrong – and it was all my fault (Shocking, I know – surely I couldn’t have been responsible…).
Though I was born in the city, I grew up in a small town and after 10 years living in jeans, plaid shirts and hanging out at the local Tim Horton’s it was hard not to develop a somewhat skewed view on what life should be like out of school. Marry, have kids. Live a complete life working part time at . Thankfully, there was still a city kid in me and as soon as I was able to leave said small town - I did. But, the need to meet someone, settle down and start a life was still a part of who I was. So when I met my ex, I was so quick to embrace coupledom, that I lost sight of who I was and what I REALLY wanted out of life.
Three years and 10 months into the relationship that was starting to resemble my mother’s first marriage, I realized I wanted more out of the relationship – out of him and more importantly out of me. I wanted to be me again, but I didn’t really know who that was anymore. Eight months, a break up, two months of co-habitation, a move, a New Year’s celebration and a hair cut later – I’m starting to remember who I am, who I want to be and what I want out of myself, life and a relationship. And for the first time in a long time, I’m happy. Really happy. Okay, almost at really happy.
I’ve got a stack of books on my coffee table about dating, mating, love and relationships I can’t wait to read and share. I’ve got a co-writer who’s views on living life with another which will provide me with more writing material than a single girl could ask for, but right now the only thing I want to pass on is the importance of knowing who you are before introducing yourself to someone else. Compromise is a part of growth in a relationship but it shouldn’t include changing who you are as a person – maybe just some of your habits.
How do you like your eggs? How do you take your coffee? Do you like coffee? Do you smoke? What’s your favourite TV show? What sort of music do you listen to? Do you want kids? How would you raise them? What sort of family values do you have?
Believe it or not, many people will change all of their answers to the above just to suit the likes and dislikes of the person they’re with because they think they need to in order to keep the person they’re with.
What they don’t realize is when you start to change who you are you start a silent battle with yourself. And this, above almost everything else (short of infidelity and general stupidity) is one of the biggest underlying causes of relationship suicide.
Make a list. Keep it on the fridge, in your wallet or purse or give it to a close friend who can remind you when you’re letting yourself go (and I don’t mean forgetting to shave for a few days). Really get to know yourself. Do you even know if you like country music or are you only listening to it because you think it’s something you should do to keep the relationship happy?
Guess what? Two people can live together happily with different interests. It’s how they balance and respect the differences that keep them going.
I’m going to start a list. You’ll find I have a bit of a thing for lists. But I’m going to start my list and I’m going to put it on my fridge to remind myself that I am happy with the person that made that list. And the person I end up with (more on this later – the people you date and the person you end up with are very different. Though someone you date could be someone you end up with. It’s very complicated.. .you’ll see) will love the person on that list for every single reason listed and even more for all the things that aren’t.