Shared Sundays

Having found my last boyfriend online, I swore this time around I would do my searching ‘offline’ and in the real world. And now, after taking a few months off just for me - I have no idea where to start.

It’s not that I have no clue on how to meet people, it’s just approaching someone is not as easy as it should be. Thankfully, we live in an age of options and there are three schools of thought on how to meet people, all with the same start point and end goal – get out there and meet someone.

School of thought #1: Join something
Not only is it a super easy way to meet new people with like interests, but it also expands your potential for a hook-up via one of these new acquaintances. I’d only be into this option for the potential hook-ups by association. Though I like the idea of having similar interests as the person I am with, I also think you need to be able to do stuff on your own.

School of thought #2: Approach people
This one takes a lot of confidence, courage and strength because it comes with inevitable instant rejection. Some of the best places to approach people are the grocery store, book store or music/dvd store. In these places, you’ve got built-in conversation starters and with the book store or music shop approach, similar interests can lead to an instant post-shop coffee or drink to discuss other possible similar interests. Worst places are the library (you’re meant to be quiet there), in line for anything or a family gathering of any sort. There are of course rules to the approach. Books, blogs and courses run by self-proclaimed professional pick-up artists all proclaim to have the best methods for the approach. I’ll be looking into this one further, and will follow up with future columns.

School of thought #3: Go online
And so, I have. As I mentioned earlier, after the first round five years ago, I swore I would never do it again. There had to be a better way to meet people. But five months back into singledom – and I haven’t met anyone. In all fairness, I wasn’t really looking but I haven’t even approached! I got hit on and flirted with more when I was in a relationship, so I’m back online. Inspired by the movie ‘Must Love Dogs’ I joined three sites but have since pulled myself off two of them.

The rules to online dating are sketchy at best which is what makes the process so awkward, and sifting through all the potentials can be a little time consuming. However, it does allow you to search in the privacy of your own home (or office, or internet cafe, or …), reject and get rejected without the pressure of face-to-face interaction and you can spend a little more time thinking about how you want to present yourself to the millions of people online.

To get started, you need to create a profile but finding the right site for you will take some time. Get to know the sites, how they work and the sort of results each claim to offer. Lavalife (www.lavalife.ca) is one of the most well known sites right now, but it wasn’t the right one for me at all. Plenty of Fish (www.plentyoffish.com) has moved to the top of the online dating sites list, though the site looks like it was developed in the late 90s. It allows you to go into more detail about what you’re looking for and does a similar but less scientific search for potentials based on your list of likes and dislikes. I actually didn’t mind Plenty of Fish, but pulled out simply because I found trying to keep up with even two profiles was too much work. The site I’m still on is eharmony.ca. I was curious about the personality profile it creates for you based on a questionnaire of about 400 questions. The matches are supposed to be carefully chosen for you and the site guides you through a carefully developed four-step communication process to help members get to know each other before openly talking to each other.

Once you’ve decided on a site or two, you need to build your profile. Profile building is the most important part of the process and the hardest because it’s all someone has to go from to start. The key element to a profile is the picture though. Most people will ignore requests or match suggestions without pictures. Though looks aren’t everything – they do count for something. When writing about yourself, and your interests be selectively honest. I’m not saying you need to lie about anything, but you also don’t need to say everything all up front. Leave this to the ‘getting to know you’ phase.

With a profile up, and a picture or two to go along with it, the next thing you need to do is start searching. This is something I’m still not completely comfortable with but like anything else if you want it, you need to go looking for it. It’s not just going to fall into your lap. This process of searching will also help you determine what you’re really looking for in a partner because you’ll end up finding a lot of what you don’t.

Whether you’re doing your search online or at the grocery store know first and foremost what it is you’re looking for and stick to it. And of course, have fun.